


Breaking Point

by the_overlord



Category: Scrotal Recall (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Lovesick, M/M, Oblivious, Unrequited Love, because I refuse to call it scrotal recall, don't totally know why i wrote this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-29
Updated: 2017-05-08
Packaged: 2018-09-20 18:03:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,542
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9503882
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_overlord/pseuds/the_overlord
Summary: Knowing Dylan is like a curse. You know him for long enough, you end up falling for him. It just happens.Evie wasn't the first to fall into the trap, but at least she was smart enough to get herself out of it. Luke can't exactly say the same.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So I'm not really sure where this came from exactly. It just kind of happened. So sorry about that. Also I had no idea that this show was originally called 'Scrotal Recall' which is... enlightening. Got to say I'm glad they made the change though despite the brilliant pun.

It was all so familiar.

The stubborn ache in his chest was throbbing against the sheets as Luke lay face down on his bed, body practically saturated in alcohol. He wondered if he was going to throw up if he moved. He wondered if it would be because of the alcohol. He wondered if the ache would ever just leave him alone.

Somehow he doubted it.

It had been years since that kernel of _something_ had evolved into the constant ache that he felt now. Years that he’d fought with it, clawed at it, gotten down on his metaphorical knees and _pleaded_ with it but all his efforts had only made it stronger.  And honestly he was kind of used to it now, his body acclimating to the vague nausea it brought. The self-hatred wasn’t anything new anyway; his list of issues went way past whatever the hell this was.

He knew exactly what this was.

There was a muffled groan from the other side of the wall, breathy and long, and Luke squeezed his eyes closed and willed his body to move for the headphones on his bedside table. His body didn’t seem to be listening though. From experience he knew that it probably wouldn’t listen until he physically couldn’t take it anymore. Until the ache became actually painful and spots began to dance behind his damp eyes. He wasn’t quite there yet but he could feel himself getting closer with every muffled thump that echoed through the wall and into his head.

Luke hadn’t quite worked out whether it was masochism that led to him lying on his bed listening to the guy he was in love with go at it through the wall. The selfishness of it seemed about right but he’d never really been one for suffering. Then again he’d never been one for a lot of things before Dylan had come swanning into his life. The little bastard had changed everything and he didn’t even have the common courtesy to notice. Fucking typical.

His hand twitched as another moan made it through the wall and it was time. He couldn’t do it anymore.  His fingers closed over his headphones and he shoved them into his ears sloppily, sighing as the beat began up. As he turned up the volume to the point where his whole body vibrated with it, he could have sworn that he heard his name slip out somewhere in the distance. He smiled through the pain of wishful thinking and let himself drift away.

Somewhere inside him the ache receded into the manageable thrum he’d become accustomed to.

It was all so goddamn familiar.

* * *

 Dylan was annoyingly chipper when he emerged from his room the next morning, greeting Angus and Luke with a distracted nod before making a beeline for the kettle. Luke didn’t miss the fact that he pulled two mugs from the cupboard or the faint sound of the shower across the apartment.

‘She stayed over then eh?’ Angus asked eyebrows waggling ridiculously.

Dylan flushed endearingly, scratching at wild hair as he grinned.

‘Yeah she did. She’s really cool. I think this might actually be something. Like something special, you know?’

The eggs in Luke’s mouth suddenly tasted uncomfortably sour but he kept chewing any way. He had to remind himself that this was Dylan after all, the guy fell in love every fortnight. He swallowed his mouthful instead and said,

‘That’s my boy! So tell me cowboy, are we going to get to meet this fine filly you’ve bagged yourself?’

_Please say no. Please say she has to go. Please say she’s moving back to Japan or Russia or Istanbul or some other country half way around the world._

‘Luke you met her last night. She’s the blonde girl with the fantastic eyes who kept telling those _awful_ knock knock jokes.’

Of course he remembered. She’d been lured over to their table by Dylan’s fumbling innocence just before 10. At 10:05 Luke had slid out of there booth and downed 4 vodka shots, peed, done a lap of the bar and then returned for two more tequila shots. Things got blurrier after that.

‘Oh right,’ he mumbled ‘the one with the killer legs and _extremely_ generous assets.’

He made a lude grabbing motion that made Dylan frown at him but he just smiled and shovelled another mouthful of too salty eggs into his mouth. He idly wondered whether they had any neurofen left in the bathroom, his head was killing him.

‘Anyway where did you get to last night? I saw you talking to that red head at the bar and then you disappeared. Did you go back to hers?’

‘Yep,’ Luke nodded, winking for effect, ‘sealed the deal multiple times my man. Snuck out this morning just in time for eggs and painkillers. The classic routine. A fine art if I do say so myself.’

(And a way less depressing story than drunkenly crying yourself to sleep while your roommate has sex in the next room.)

Dylan laughed, turning to pour the tea as the kettle popped, but Angus’ brow furrowed and he cocked his head to stare confusedly at Luke. Too late Luke realised his mistake. He recalled a fuzzy memory of stumbling out of his room in the early hours of the morning, desperate for the toilet, and bumping into a slightly sloshed Angus as he stumbled from the bathroom. But obviously slightly sloshed Angus still had a rather good memory if the crinkle between his eyebrows was to be believed.

Luke furiously shook his head as Angus went to open his mouth, imploring him to shut the fuck up. Blissfully unaware Dylan hummed something tuneless as he stirred the tea bags.

‘You were here last night.’ Angus mouthed instead. Kind of. A whisper of sound somehow managed to escape from his mouth unbidden and he touched a surprised hand to his mouth like even he hadn’t expected it. Luke glanced at Dylan to check he was still distracted and then made a slashing motion at Angus. Thankfully the man did drop it but the confused puppy look stayed as he poked at some slightly burnt toast on his plate and tried to work out what was going on.

Luke just hoped he had the common sense not to go to Dylan while trying to figure it all out.   

It was such a stupid lie. Whether he was in or out didn’t really matter. He could have just said he hadn’t felt well and hadn’t wanted to bother them so he’d taken himself home. He could have said he drank too much and couldn’t find them. They were both versions of the truth. But now that lie was out there, and Angus, _fucking Angus_ , was digging around, and if that stupid, insignificant stone got turned over then the whole damn mountain could come crumbling down around him.

Maybe the avalanche would kill him though. That wouldn’t be so bad. He rested his cheek against the cold surface of the kitchen table and focused on breathing. In. Out. In. Out. His whole body was protesting being alive.

There was a pitter patter of feet in the hallway and Dylan skittered from the room, tea still cooling on the side. He returned a second later with a woman dressed in worn sweats and a hoodie that Luke was semi confident had once belonged to him.

‘I made tea,’ Dylan was saying, ‘I wasn’t sure what you liked in it so I left it plain but we have sugar if you want and I think we have milk in the –‘

‘We don’t.’ Angus piped up downing the last of the milk from his glass. ‘Sorry.’

‘Ok so we don’t have milk. I could go get some if you wanted, there’s a shop just round the corner. It’s only about 5 minutes or so. The tea might be cold by then but I can always make more.’

The woman smiled into the sleeve of the hoodie and placed her other hand on Dylan’s arm.

‘You don’t need to do that, I’m good with sugar. In fact sugar is perfect.’

He smiled at her as if she’d just told him she would give him her spare kidney and then take him out for ice cream. He pushed one of the piping mugs into her hands and collected his own. Then followed a brief silence broken only by the sound of cutlery on kitchenware that was only slightly uncomfortable, before Dylan cleared his throat.

‘So you remember Luke and Angus from last night right? They were at the bar with us.’

‘I definitely remember Angus,’ she smiled at him before turning to Luke, ‘but I think we only met briefly. I’ve heard a lot about you though so it’s nice to actually meet the man, the myth, the legend.’

He managed to muster something that might have looked like a smile and raised a hand in greeting.

‘That’s me. Luke. It’s a pleasure.’

‘Louise. Pleasure’s all mine.’

Dylan raised an eyebrow.

‘Well that was weirdly formal. Anyway, it’s kind of a shit day outside so we were planning on just watching a movie or something.  You guys are more than welcome to join.’

In his periphery Luke saw Louise take a sip from her mug, flinching backwards when her eagerness burned her. She blew on it fiercely, scowling at it as if it had personally offended her. She was ridiculously cute and Luke hated it.

He hated it even more when Dylan threw an arm around her waist and pulled her closer to his side. A place where she fit almost perfectly. A place where Luke would never fit, not properly.

He pushed away from the table.

‘Sorry man, sounds like fun but I’m heading round to Evie’s today. Haven’t had some quality time with my main lady in a while and I think she’s freaking about wedding stuff so some good old fashioned Luke in her day is bound to help. Enjoy though. And Louise, hope to see you around sometime yeah?’

He saluted, backing out of the kitchen before they could respond and ducking into his room. His heart was beating uncomfortably fast.

Pulling out his phone he pulled up Evie’s number and dialled.

‘Hello?’

‘Hey Evie, don’t suppose there’s any chance you’re free today?’

‘Ah, not really? I’ve got about 1000 things to do for the wedding and I’ve got to put together a new portfolio for this possible job and it’s all a bit hectic. Rain check?’

He sighed, slumping down onto his bed and running a hand through his hair. He could hear laughter bubbling through from the kitchen. He could feel the calm composure he’d put on slipping, the panic welling in his stomach.

‘Please Evie. Can’t I help? I swear I’ll do anything you need I just – I can’t –‘

‘You can’t be there.’

She said it with such simple finality. Such calm understanding.

‘Yeah’

She breathed heavily down the phone and he could almost picture the pity in her eyes, the small, sad, understanding smile.

‘Come on then, you can help me with the bouquets.’

* * *

 

Getting out of the flat was almost painless with Dylan and Louise too wrapped up in each other to offer much more than a fleeting goodbye. Angus was slightly more difficult as he’d obviously cottoned on to the fact that _something_ was going on, he just hadn’t worked out what. But he was certainly trying to and subtlety was never one of his strong points.

Luke just ducked away from all his questioning and attempts to corner him in actual corners of rooms. He even resorted to patting his curly head at one point in the way that he knew always short circuited Angus for just long enough to slip away.

He didn’t fully relax until he heard the latch click behind him and felt the harsh winter wind whip against his cheeks. Shoving earbuds into his ears and hands into his pockets he began the walk to the bus stop.

* * *

Evie was surrounded by pictures of flowers when Mal let him into their flat. Luke watched from the doorway unseen for a minute as she picked up picture after picture, muttering to herself before tossing them back into the pile and scribbling things on a notepad on her lap. She looked round when he laughed, smiling softly when she saw him.

She pulled herself up using the edge of the coffee table and picked her way through to him, staring at him with big, wide eyes for a long moment before she launched herself at him, arms winding around his neck and head pushing into his shoulder. He managed to only stumble slightly, his own arms wrapping around her middle as he stooped slightly to account for their height difference.

They stayed like that and for a moment it was almost as if Luke could forget everything that was going on. Like everything was blissfully ok if only for a minute. He breathed into her curls and smiled.

‘You alright?’ She mumbled into his shoulder.

‘Probably not,’ he answered, the honesty leaking out gratefully after being shut away for so long. ‘Better now though.’

They pulled apart as Mal returned to room, stopping to place two mugs on the coffee table and drop a kiss on Evie’s cheek.

‘Just popping out for a little bit, call if you need anything or if you feel like you’re going to strangle something again. I just worked out the seating chart and I’m not redoing it if you murder Luke in a fit of wedding rage.’

She nodded, pulling him back in for a proper kiss before waving as he grabbed his keys and wandered out the door. The silence settled again.

‘So, are we going to talk about it?’

Instead of answering Luke walked past her and knelt down next to the scattered pictures, leafing through the nearest ones.

‘So what’s the problem with these?’

She frowned at the obvious deflection but thankfully didn’t press, instead choosing to perch on the edge of the sofa and sigh very deeply indeed.

‘I was looking through all the pictures I’ve taken at weddings and events over the years for inspiration but they’re just not right. None of them are right and I just can’t put my finger on why and it is doing my head in.

‘I seriously never thought I was going to be one of those girls who got obsessed over having the perfect wedding but here I am freaking out over flowers, and I had to pass the seating chart stuff over to Mal because Uncle Norris can’t sit near cousin Peter and Missy and Arthur have a damn basketball team of children who can’t all go on the children’s table because then there will be no more space for any other children but also can’t go on the adult’s table because no adult wants kids harshing the buzz of the open bar. And there’s the whole thing with the venue and fire safety and the woman there kept going on about like _bomb_ insurance or something like that’s something that we have to worry about. Of course I wasn’t worried about it before she opened her god damn mouth but now all I can see is some rubble filled room and me in a filthy white dress cradling a dead Mal while people scream around us and oh god why the hell do people do this to themselves?’

Luke was already laughing before she finished.

‘I’ve been told it’s something to do with celebrating the splendour of requited love but I don’t think I’m really the most credible source on the subject.’

‘Well it’s bullshit is what it is.’

Evie huffed dramatically and Luke would have laughed again but one of the pictures caught his eye and he reached over to grab it. There was a large orange and red bouquet in the forefront but that wasn’t what had drawn his attention. It was from Angus’ wedding all those months ago and in the back of the picture, half obscured by a couple of other people, he could see Dylan and himself stood slightly away from everyone else. He himself was staring off at something in the distance, arms spread wide and grinning triumphantly. He looked like an idiot. But Dylan, _god Dylan_ , he was looking at him like he’d hung the god damn moon, like he was the best thing in the world, like he was the _only_ thing in the world.

He couldn’t tear his eyes away from it. It was like being shown a glimpse of something he desperately wanted but couldn’t have. Like he was drowning in every dream he’d ever had.  His entire head was a mess of synapses firing in every direction and to his horror he could feel his eyes misting slightly. He vaguely registered Evie moving behind him, peering over his shoulder.

‘You guys look great in that one. I tried to get in closer and take a better one but he got all spooked when Jane came stomping round the corner and then I got sent on a spite wild goose chase and I lost the moment, but I think I actually like it better like this. It makes it seem more private, and less posed. Like this is just what you two look like when no one is looking.’

The sob building in his chest tore loose and Evie flinched back slightly as he curled into himself.

‘Luke?’

‘ _Fuck_. I’m not ok Evie, I’m not fucking ok. I hurt all the time. I used to be able to ignore it but I can’t anymore. It’s all my mind wants to think about and it’s awful. I see him with all those other people, all the people better suited for him than I am, all the people he wants more than me, and it’s like someone is stabbing me in the brain with the pieces of my broken heart. It’s pathetic and I don’t want to do it anymore. I don’t think I can do it anymore.’

He was enveloped again in Evie’s tiny arms. Another dry sob tore through him. His body was tired of crying. His body was tired.

‘It’s going to be ok Luke. I know it doesn’t feel like it but it _is_ going to be ok. I promise.’

‘You can’t promise that.’

She pulled back slightly, meeting his eyes and he was surprised to see that hers were a little misty too.

‘I can because I’ve been where you are. I don’t know if it was exactly the same but I remember feeling like this. The horrible mixture of wanting him to be happy and knowing you can’t be.’

‘But you don’t still feel like that do you? How did you get over him?’

‘I left.’

Luke drew her back into the embrace and closed his eyes. Maybe it was his imagination, maybe it was Evie, but it was almost like he could breathe a little easier already.

* * *

 Weirdly it wasn’t like everything drastically changed after that day like part of Luke had been expecting. It had been such a landmark day for him he’d kind of expected the whole world to have felt the shift but when he let himself back into the flat that evening and found Angus and Dylan collapsed on the floor of the living room playing battleships, he realised it was just him. It was just his little world in chaos.

Dylan had grinned up at him and patted the floor to his right, leaning in to ask him if he’d caught a glimpse of Angus’ ships as he’d come over. The whispered breath against his ear was sweet with hot chocolate and after the emotional drain of the day Luke allowed himself to rest his head on Dylan’s shoulder and help him cheat. But when Angus’s boats where all just craters in the sea Luke retreated to his room and grabbed his laptop.

His room was up for rent within the hour. The three empty bottles of beer on his desk had probably helped.

Evie had said she’d felt relief when she’d seen it go up onto the site. Luke just felt sick.


	2. Moving Out

There was knocking and then there was _knocking_ , and the knock that shook Luke’s room was definitely the latter. Pulling his headphones out, he frowned and moved to the door, opening it just as Louise was raising her fist to knock again.

She lowered it sheepishly and smiled up at him.

‘Oh, I was beginning to think you weren’t actually in and the Angus intel was incorrect.’

He gestured towards his desk where the tinny sound of chart music could just about be heard coming from his headphones and she nodded.

‘Oh, sorry.’

 There was an uncomfortable minute of silence before Luke gave in and stepped aside.

‘Would you like to come in?’

He retreated to his desk chair, sinking back down and shutting the music off. More tentatively, Louise followed him into the room and, after a moment of consideration, perched at the end of his bed, her feet not quite reaching the floor.

‘So what can I help you with?’

There was something confusing about the stare she levelled at him. It was like she was psyching herself up but also trying to reassure him that this was a casual conversation and there was no need to panic. So of course he readied himself for some kind of attack.

She cleared her throat.

‘I’ve got this friend, she used to live with me but then she took this job out in Australia about a year ago so I’ve got a different flatmate now. Yvonne, she’s very nice. Anyway not the point. The point is that the original friend, Sarah, she’s back and crashing on our couch while she looks for a new room. She actually found a pretty good one the other day and was showing it to me when I realised it looked eerily familiar.’

And suddenly Luke knew exactly where this was going.

‘My question is: Why are you moving out? Or maybe more appropriately: Why does Dylan not know you’re moving out? Because he doesn’t. And don’t worry, I didn’t tell him or anything, that is so not my secret to spill, but since every second sentence out of his mouth has something to do with you I kind of figured he’d have mentioned this, you know somewhere within the babble.’

Luke laughed but he was pretty sure it was just to give his mouth something to do while his brain desperately tried to work out what to say.

‘He says you tell each other everything. Why not this?’

He thought about lying. About the hundreds of different reasons he could make up. About the millions of less incriminating options he could take. But in the end he said,

‘Because he’ll try to stop me. And I’m afraid that if he tries it might work and I can’t stay here anymore. I just can’t.’

Embarrassingly Luke’s voice broke on the last word, and he saw Louise shift like she wanted to comfort him but didn’t know if it would be welcome. Desperately he willed himself not to cry again, cursing the fact that these days tearing up came as easily to him as blinking.

Suddenly she sat back like he’d hit her, eyes wide. He refused to meet her eye line so he missed the softening in her gaze as the pieces slid neatly into place and she sighed.

‘You’re in love with him.’ She said it like the fact it was. Like it wasn’t a big deal. Like she should have expected it.

Luke closed his eyes and tried to remember to breathe.

Warm arms encircled him and he jerked back in surprise, but the grip was solid and insistent. Opening his eyes again he could see wisps of Louise’s hair and feel the press of her body against his. She was hugging him. She’d just realised that he was in love with her boyfriend and she was _hugging him_. He meant to pull away, he really did, but he’d been so on edge for days that the comfort was welcome. He sank into and exhaled heavily through his nose.

‘I’m so sorry,’

‘You just figured out that I’m in love with your boyfriend, why are you sorry?’

The words were muffled into her shoulder but she heard them anyway and pulled back so she could look him in the eye.

‘You can’t help falling in love Luke, and you don’t always choose who you fall for. I might have a problem if you were trying to ruin our time together and undermine me but you’re not. Instead you’re moving out, you’re distancing yourself, and I can see how much that’s hurting you even if you’re doing it to avoid getting hurt anymore. And I’m so sorry that it’s hurting you because from everything I’ve seen and heard about you, you sound like such a good guy and you don’t deserve this. And none of this is your fault, you understand that right, life just sucks sometimes.’

There were no words left in his body, nothing left that he could say, so instead he just nodded, releasing her when she stepped away and moved back towards the door. She hesitated.

‘You know you’ve got to tell him though.’

His throat was thick with emotion when he answered.

‘I can’t tell him that I love him. I just can’t do that.’

She smiled sadly.

‘I know, but you have to tell him you’re leaving. He deserves that.’

She left before he could say anything else, shutting the door softly behind her, but even if she had stayed he wouldn’t have said anything. He wouldn’t have had anything to say.

Because she was right.

He had to tell him.

* * *

 

The next day Luke wandered into the kitchen to find both Angus and Dylan chatting happily over lunch and decided it was now or never.  Time to bite the bullet. Time to rip off the plaster.

Time to tell them that he was leaving.

‘Hey guys, can I talk to you a second?’

‘Yeah sure,’ Angus mumbled around a mouthful of food, nudging at an empty chair with his foot until Luke got the message and sank into it. He stole one of Dylan’s apple slices for something to do with his hands and wondered where the hell he was supposed to begin.

‘So. Was this just a general talk or something specific?’ Dylan prompted when he failed to actually get any words out.

‘Something specific.’ The rest of the words didn’t follow. The weight of his decision was finally crashing down around him and he was suddenly wildly unsure whether this was a thing he could actually do. He loved this flat. He loved that there were memories in every room, in every crack and crevice and mysterious water stain that they’d never got around to dealing with. He loved that he’d made friends there, that he’d become a better person there. He loved that he’d met Dylan there.

And that was the problem wasn’t it? That it always came back to Dylan.

‘I’m moving out.’

Angus’ head snapped up audibly and Luke spared him a concerned glance, but his main focus was Dylan who seemed to have frozen in place, staring at Luke as if he might suddenly leap up and declare it all a joke. Part of him desperately wanted to.

He didn’t.

Instead he fidgeted with his fingers unable to maintain the eye contact or bear the silence.

‘I’m really sorry.’

‘Why?’ And did Angus really have to sound that sad?

‘There’s no one reason, it just makes sense for me to go. One of the guys from work has a spare room in his flat and it’s closer to work. And I feel like a move would be good for me. I’ve got some stuff going on that I need to deal with-‘

‘We can help’ Dylan cut across him ‘If you need something, if something’s going on, then let us help. You can’t just walk away from your problems Luke, it doesn’t work like that.’

He was getting angry, staring Luke down with accusatory eyes and a set jaw. It made it easier – angry Dylan he could deal with, sad, pleading Dylan might just have cracked him.

‘No, look I appreciate that, I do, but this isn’t really something you can help with.’ He glanced at Angus and cleared his throat, ‘Either of you. I need to do this, but I can’t do it here. I know this sucks but I really have thought this through and it’s the best option. I’ll still be around. We can still go out for drinks and pub quiz nights, and brunch when Evie’s Instagram side kicks in. I just won’t be coming home with you at the end of it.’

It was probably an odd way to phrase it but he needed to remind himself why he was doing this. Because going home with Dylan but not _going home with Dylan_ was one of the things that killed him the most. Sweeping him up from a drunken heap and hefting him home, feeling his warm breath on his neck where he always snuggled in, muttering lovely nonsense, and knowing that Dylan wouldn’t remember in the morning. It was devastating.

He stood from the table.

‘I move out on Saturday.’

He left the kitchen and retreated to his room. He had six days. Then this would no longer be his home.

* * *

 

Dylan didn’t talk to him for four days.

Four days of stony silence and angry, confused glaring every time they found themselves in the same room. Luke couldn’t work out whether the silent animosity was a gift or a curse. On the one hand Dylan being mad at him gave him the time and motivation to actually start packing up his stuff and organising the move but on the other hand the idea that he’d upset Dylan and couldn’t fix it hung heavy in his bones.

Angus more than made up for Dylan’s radio silence, following Luke around the flat, whining like a sad puppy. A tiny part of Luke was worried that Angus was going to try to sneak into one of the boxes but he figured he could deal with that if and when he had to. A sharp thwack on the nose with a rolled up newspaper would probably do the job.

He was going to miss that – the weirdness that was Angus. He was just such a kind hearted, simple, easily malleable guy. The kind of friend that just popped up in your life every now and then and then suddenly there he was, a permanent fixture and you couldn’t remember life without him sniffling over Rom Coms and studiously descaling the kettle.

But that era was over and Luke had the half packed boxes and furious flat mate to prove it.

The silence finally broke on the 5th day.

Tired from work Luke trudged into the flat, cold and wet after being attacked by a random rainstorm on the way home. He could hear the TV on in the living room and steered clear, desperate to just collapse onto his bed and stare at the ceiling alone for 20-30 minutes. Regroup, recollect, then venture out into the frosty wilderness for some attempts at last minute bonding. He figured even if one wasn’t talking to him and the other was equal parts mopey and confused about his departure, he still wanted to spend his last night with his soon to be ex-housemates.

The only issue with his plan was the fact that when he reached his room he realised there was someone already in there.

The door was cracked open and Luke could see Dylan sat cross legged on his bed, leafing through a book, an explosion of things scattered around him on the duvet. Beside him one of the boxes Luke had been in the process of packing up sat open and empty [ **Memories – Fragile** ] scratched on the side in black marker.

Slowly Luke pushed the door open and cleared his throat.

Now that Luke was closer he could see that Dylan had been looking through one of the photo albums Luke had privately and meticulously put together of all his favourite memories and pictures across the years, most of them courtesy of Evie. Holidays and parties and stupid drunken game nights on rainy Thursday evenings, they were all in there, Dylan smiling up at the camera in almost all of them because Dylan appearing in a picture almost always made it one of Luke’s favourites. He’d stopped on a page with pictures from Evie’s engagement party - the five of them clinking champagne glasses together over brunch, a group photo of the whole party, Mal and Evie grinning in the middle, a candid shot that Luke had lucked into of the couple sharing a sweet kiss at the back of the room and a picture of Dylan laughing as he beat their friend Dave in a game of penny football somewhere nearer the drunker end of the afternoon.

Dylan looked up when he heard him and smiled softly

‘Hey,’ he said ‘Sorry I’ve been such a dick over these last couple days.’

‘Don’t worry, it’s ok.’ Luke lied, pulling off his damp jacket and replacing it with the warm, dryer-soft hoodie he’d designated for moving day. Dylan glanced back down.

‘I didn’t realise you had all these. It’s really weird seeing them in one place like this. I kind of forget half the stuff we’ve done together. And these ones at Evie’s engagement, we look so young and they were only taken 6 months ago.’

Dylan ran a finger over the picture of the 5 of them and let the quiet hang for a little while.

‘I wish you weren’t leaving.’

Luke thought about saying ‘me too’ but it wouldn’t help anything, he’d still leave and Dylan would still be sad. Instead he gave into the warmth of the confession and settled onto the bed, pulling Dylan into his side. He couldn’t remember the last time he hadn’t spoken to Dylan for more than a day and he hadn’t fully accepted the toll it had taken on him. Breathing in the minty smell of Dylan’s hair and relishing the warmth of his head on his shoulder, Luke felt a peace he’d been desperately missing.  

They sat like that for a while, Dylan absently flipping through the album and stopping every now and then to reminisce. Eventually he closed the book and lay it down by his side, but he didn’t lift his head from Luke’s shoulder, and Luke realised there was very little in the world that would ever make him argue with that.

‘Are you ever going to tell me why you’re leaving?’

‘Maybe, I don’t know.’

‘If you ever decide to I’m here. Whatever it is, I promise I won’t judge.’ He paused ‘You know I love you right? You’re my best friend, the best friend I’ve ever had, and if this is something you need to do then I support that even though I think it sucks. Just don’t – don’t leave me behind ok? Don’t move on without me.’

And there it was, the last little piece of Luke that wasn’t 100% in love with the idiot next to him broke apart and succumbed to the inevitable ache. He rested his head on top of Dylan’s and closed his eyes. He was so damn tired.

‘Never, I love you too buddy.’

* * *

 

Eventually Dylan suggested they make dinner, and by that he actually meant order tons of Thai food, a plan that Angus was entirely on board with. At 7 the door went and Evie appeared with Mal hovering behind her. He made an attempt to excuse himself but seemed pleased when they insisted he stayed and between them they demolished the food and watched The Fellowship of the Ring and half of the Two Towers.

At some point in the night Luke got tipsy enough to ask where Louise was but he didn’t press when Dylan shrugged and said he didn’t know. At least this way he was Dylan’s preferred pillow. And then suddenly it was Saturday morning and all of Luke’s boxes were packed away in the van and he was standing curb side with sweaty palms and a tight throat as his friends gathered around him.

Mal slapped him on the back like a proper manly man, grinning and telling him he’d see him in the pub for the game in two weeks. Evie gripped his shoulders tight and kissed his cheek before whispering low so no one else could hear

‘Does it feel right?’

‘I don’t know.’ He whispered back, but it didn’t.

Angus hugged him too, but he was holding a cup of chamomile tea in one hand and a Digestive biscuit in the other so it was really more like he pressed his chest into Luke’s and made a noise when the tea almost spilled. It was still nice and strangely appropriate.

And then Dylan stepped forward, eyes looking a little misty, and it felt a little like dying and a little like learning to breathe again. He clung to him unsure whether he would ever be able to let go again. Dylan held on just as tight.

‘It’s only 20 minutes away by bus.’ He said, though whether it was to himself or Dylan he wasn’t sure. Dylan nodded regardless. ‘You’re always welcome, Jake won’t care.’

They pulled away and Luke was shocked to see that there were actual tears on Dylan’s cheek. He fought the urge to wipe them away and instead leant down to pull an envelope from the bag at his feet. He shoved it into Dylan’s hand, noticing Evie’s expression change in his periphery. She always was too smart for her own good.

‘You wanted to know why, that explains it. Just do me a favour and don’t read it until I’m gone.’

He waited until Dylan nodded then pulled him in for one last, too tight, hug. He stared up at the dull brown brick of the place he’s called home for almost 5 years and knew it was too late to turn back.

It was only as he watched the four of them disappear in the rear view mirror that he finally felt like it might actually be exactly what he needed.

* * *

 

Two hours later there was a frantic banging on his new flat door, terribly loud and insistent. Idly, Luke wondered whether Jake had failed to inform him of some crazy neighbour or roaming street gang he should watch out for, but he headed for the door anyway. He really wasn’t expecting to see Dylan standing on the other side, a little out of breath and flashing some pretty severe crazy eyes.

Then Luke noticed Dylan was holding the envelope in his hand and suddenly he regretted every choice he had ever made.

‘You need to tell me what this means, because I have theories, god _damn_ it I have theories, but I need to know for sure before I react.’

He pulled out the picture that Luke had first seen at Evie’s, the one she had given him when he’d been about to leave her flat that day. He’d tried to refuse but she’d insisted. She said he’d want it someday, that he could add it to his collection. But it didn’t fit with his collection because his photos captured what was real, what was good. This photo was a mirage, a trick of the light, a lie.

On the back Luke had written

**Because what I want is only real in pictures and that’s not working anymore**

Luke managed to drag his eyes up to meet Dylan’s, a little alarmed at the intensity he found there but it was also strangely grounding. Dylan looked like he had felt for so long – lost and confused and desperate for answers even though he knew they had the power to destroy his entire world. With his own life in pieces around his feet, Luke completely understood and he felt calm.

‘It means that I’m in love with you. It means that I am done torturing myself by being around you all the time because you are way too important to me to lose over something this stupid and reckless. It means that I need a fresh start to try and get over you because I am worried that I am in so deep that I’m never going to be able to get out again. It means a lot of things Dylan, a lot of things that I’m scared of talking about but I’m tired of hiding.’

He dropped his eyes to the picture again. Evie was right; he did want to keep it.

‘You’re in love with me?’

Luke laughed incredulously.

‘Of course I am.’

Then there were hands balled in the front of his shirt, tugging him forward until his face was inches from Dylan’s. They paused, just staring at each other, the gap between them feeling like nothing, and everything at the same time. Luke didn’t dare move, he didn’t dare hope, he just focused on the warm breath fanning over his face and the lips so close to his and tried to work out what was happening.

And then suddenly Dylan was pulling away, eyes skittering across the doorway like he was chasing thoughts. Desperately Luke wanted to drag him back in, close the distance and get his mouth on Dylan’s while he had the chance. But he’d lost it, the moment had gone and Dylan had changed his mind.

‘I’ve got to go – do something.’

Dylan looked dazed and skittish, like his mind was in overload, and his hands were still fisted in Luke’s shirt. Luke tried to remember what the signs of shock were from that health and safety seminar he’d been forced to attend.

‘Yeah, no, I get it.’ Gently Luke loosened his grip ‘I know this is a lot. But you know where to find me when you – work this all out. I’ll be here, we can just pick up where we left off. You know, no pressure.’

The sweet relief in Dylan’s eyes was almost too much. Like he was thanking Luke for understanding. Of course he understood, he’d always understood. He had to let Dylan go. He’d never thought he’d have to do it twice though. He never thought he would come so torturously close to having him and then be forced to give him up.

When the door closed Luke stood there for a good 5 minutes just remembering how to breathe. Then he swallowed down the scream that had been building from the moment Dylan had pulled back and the tears that had been threatening from the moment Dylan had told him he had to leave and retreated to his room. He still had boxes to unpack.

* * *

 

The sky was dark when Jake finally returned to the flat, stinking of cigarette smoke and alcohol. He invited Luke out with him to some club he was going to with his girlfriend and her sister but didn’t seem too bummed when Luke turned him down. A night in with some hard core action flick was definitely more appealing, especially now he knew he could mope in private.

Jake checked in again one last time before he headed out, looking clean and smelling significantly better.

‘You sure you don’t want to come man, it might be fun?’

‘Nah not tonight I’m pretty tired. Rain check?’

Jake shrugged

‘Of course. You’ve got a visitor by the way. See you later, yeah?’

He ducked out before Luke could say anything and there was a muffled conversation in the hallway before the front door slammed shut and footsteps headed in his direction. He was somehow both surprised and completely unsurprised when Dylan’s mop of messy hair poked around his bedroom door.

‘Hey, can I come in. Jake said I didn’t need to knock but it feels kind of rude just barging in.’

Sitting up, Luke gestured him in, suddenly feeling very uncomfortable in his own skin. Dylan didn’t even hesitate he just stepped into the room grinning, perhaps a little shyly, and hovered at the end of the bed. He ran a hand through the shorter hairs at the back of his neck, leaving it hanging there as he smiled at Luke.

‘I kind of didn’t think this part through, I’ve been running on shock and adrenaline for the last few hours and it’s only now that I’m here again that the nerves are kicking back in. It’s just you right,’ he laughed ‘I shouldn’t be this nervous.’

‘You don’t have to be nervous Dylan, like I said before I’m not expecting anything from you. Look, I get it. It’s going to be awkward for a while – that’s just how it is – but we’ve been friends for so long I know we can get through this and someday in the future when you’re happily married with two kids and in the process of filing for my third divorce, we’ll look back at today and be like ‘oh hey remember when I used to be in love with you, that was weird right’ and then we’ll never speak of it again and it’ll be fine. I’ll be fine.’

The line between Dylan’s eyes deepened as he frowned and Luke was done. He needed to get away, to run. This was supposed to be his fresh break – why the hell did he have to come back?

‘Wait what? What are you talking about?’

Luke pushed up off of the bed and moved towards the door. He considered leaving, but he was tired, and there was nowhere he wanted to go. He leant his head on the cool wood.

‘I appreciate you coming Dyl, I do, but I really need you to go. We don’t need to fix this right now. This isn’t fair and I’m exhausted and I just need some space.’

But instead of moving, Dylan cocked his head

‘No seriously, what are you talking about?’

‘You left Dylan. And yeah that’s exactly what I was expecting, that’s exactly how I thought this would play out, but still, it fucking hurt. And it’s still hurting because regardless of your positive intentions and your desire to fix us or whatever it was that brought you back here tonight, some things just need to hurt for a bit. And getting over you is going to sting for a while but trust me I’m used to that by now.’

Dylan opened his mouth as if to speak then closed it. Apparently he had nothing to say. That was fine.

Luke almost sighed in relief when Dylan started moving towards the door but before he could open it and usher Dylan out he was suddenly up against the wood with lips on his. His first thought was that he’d snapped, or that he was dreaming, or that it was pity, a prank, a joke. Then Dylan’s hand fisted in his hair, angling his head down and Luke stopped thinking.

Eventually they pulled away, both breathing heavily and one of Dylan’s hands in his hair, the other gently cupping his cheek.  His eyes had closed sometime during the kiss and Luke refused to open them, terrified it would end whatever was happening. Whatever miracle he’d stumbled into.

A second, sweeter kiss followed.

And then another.

It was around the 5th brief press that Luke realised Dylan was talking.

‘I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I was just so happy I didn’t think about how it looked to you. I’m so sorry.’

Luke grabbed his arms to stop him and finally opened his eyes.

‘I’m so lost right now.’ He confessed, feeling drunk and dizzy with Dylan so close and the kiss still lingering. The hand of his cheek ran a soothing thumb across his cheekbone and Luke felt like he could fight a god.

‘When I read what you’d written on the photo I couldn’t work out what it meant. I knew what I wanted it to mean but I couldn’t convince myself that I was right because, well, that seemed insane. Angus found me staring at it in the living room like an hour later and practically hauled me to the door and pushed me out. And then I came here and you told me that you were in love with me and it was mad and I wanted to kiss you so much but I thought about Lou and I’m not that guy Luke. And yeah we’d kind of agreed we worked better casually anyway but I knew I’d still feel bad if I did anything without ending it completely with her first. And that’s what I was trying to tell you at the door but my brain was all tied up and the words weren’t coming out right, and then you said it was fine and that you’d be waiting here when I was done and I thought you’d understood. I so didn’t realise we were talking about very different things.

‘So I left and I told Louise what had happened and that I needed to end things and she just laughed and kissed my cheek and wished me luck. I think she may have already known because she didn’t seem upset. She’s kind of awesome really. And then I came back here and you thought I’d left you and I’m so sorry. I just wanted to make sure we did this right. I didn’t realise I was already fucking it up.’

It was a little like being caught in a hurricane, disorientating and confusing and all consuming. Luke was just desperately trying to hold on to whatever was closest, and as it turned out that was Dylan. Lovely, wonderful Dylan who actually wanted to be with him. Who wanted to ‘do it right’. Who had come back for him and kissed him up against his bedroom door.

Dylan brushed his fringe out of his eyes and bit his lip self-consciously.

‘Basically, I’m in love with you.’

Luke had imagined those words so many times. Built scene upon scene around them in his mind. Composed epic poetry and sonnets to them. Withstood trial after trial, pain after pain, for just the mere possibility of hearing them. But nothing compared to the reality. Nothing compared to seeing them fall from Dylan’s lips as he stared into his eyes. Nothing prepared him for the way his heart sped up and his whole body seemed to shiver. And even his imagination could never truly capture the look of pure adoration he was faced with – the joy and hope and happiness painted across every inch of Dylan.

‘You’re in love with me?’

Dylan smiled.

‘Of course I am.’

* * *

 

**~~Because what I want is only real in pictures and that’s not working anymore~~ **

**Because everything I want is right here**


End file.
